We spoke to mothers to share their experiences with their children, and adults to look back on their lives, and with the benefit of hindsight, tell us what they think worked, and what didn't in their upbringing.
'Criticism should be a way of correcting the behaviour of a child rather than blaming or finding fault with the child,' asserts Mumbai-based clinical psychologist Saloni Sawnani, 34, mother of 6-year-old Vansh. You must criticise unacceptable behaviour - not the child, she advises because 'children look at things very holistically - if he's broken a toy and you criticise him for being a "bad boy" he'll take it to heart. This is very important as criticism lowers the self-esteem of a child considerably. Our sense of worth is developed in our childhood by the feedback we get from our family and teachers. We think we are deserving only if we are made to believe so as a child. Criticism may suggest that we do not deserve or are not capable enough. It brings in self doubt and increases insecurity, which becomes a part of our mental make-up for life.' By praising good behaviour, and downplaying or ignoring unacceptable behaviour, you can steer your child towards acceptable behaviour, so reducing opportunities for correction and criticism.
Pause, understand
Says Bindu Thirumalai, 40, mother of 8-year-old Viraaj and 5-year-old Vaibhav, based in Bangalore, 'I believe there are two things to understand about disciplining children. First, there is no ''one size fits all'' approach. Every child is different - my older son is highly sensitive and cries easily, whereas my younger one can test the patience of a saint. Second, if my children are doing something dangerous, or being rude to adults and so on, I am firm and do not leave much room for negotiations.' However, she adds, 'One must be careful not to compare a child while criticising. Also remember to mention his strong/good points as that cushions the sting.' Still, it's a tightrope walk, she admits, adding that she once criticised her 8-year-old when he started soaping himself without first wetting his body. 'I snapped, and said, "8-year -olds know how to take a bath, it's about time you learn it as well, how many times should I tell you the same thing?"' She realised immediately that 'it was a horrible thing to say', especially when her son's face fell, and felt she should have approached it more calmly.
Be gentle & loving
In criticism, how you say it - the tone - often tends to override what you say, especially if the tone is cutting or demeaning to the child. Choose your words with care - sharp rebukes, closeended statements such as 'You'll never get this right!' or 'Why aren't you more assertive?' crush a child. Often it is parental anxiety that takes them down this path: Shreyasi Sharma, 32-year-old mother of 4-year-old Mokshadaa realised that she was pushing her daughter to hold her ground and be more assertive in the playground driven by a fear that in today's world, being laidback and non-assertive will just not work. 'But then I realised that I was overdoing it - by telling her so many things I was confusing her, and also that I needed to adopt a more relaxed approach.'
And remember that a mother's rebukes hurts the most: 'Whenever I need to correct her behavior I have to be extra sensitive,' says Charu Mathur, 41, mother to 12-year-old Shamika. 'At times, restraining ourselves from direct criticism is pretty difficult. We need a lot of self-control, patience, to deal with the situation tactfully', she says, adding 'being a parent of a 12-year-old is not always easy, especially in today's environment where the children get contradictory reactions from their peer group. But one thing I feel is certain - we as parents have to be strict and firm - I do not mean that we behave like Hitler, but children must know the difference between right and wrong, what's good and what's bad.' She does that by setting clearly-defined boundaries.
Don't ban criticism
Clearly, there is space - and need - for criticism. To avoid it as a parent is to leave your child vulnerable to the harsh criticism he/she will face one day. It is better to teach them to deal with criticism (see box below), learn from it, and move on. Children must also learn to distinguish between constructive criticism, and crushing criticism. Crushing criticism is directed at chipping away at your confidence levels, your enterprising spirit and keeping you hemmed in. Constructive criticism is objective, based on a real assessment and designed to veer you towards more rewarding behaviour or activities that are commensurate with your skill and potential. So instead of telling your child, 'You can't sing, don't waste your time over it,' it's better to say, 'You dance much better than you sing - maybe you would want to pursue that more seriously.'
And as parents, before you start criticising, remember your child is a little human being with all the feelings and emotions that you have: You wouldn't like to hear harsh, stinging criticism from anyone, so why should you subject your child to it? Frank A Clark put it just right when he said, 'Criticism, like rain, should be gentle enough to nourish a man's growth without destroying his roots.' Your criticism should help the child become a better person, increase his self-worth and emotional resilience to face the world - as well as any criticism he faces in life.
How to deal with criticism
Criticism is an inescapable fact of life - children will face it in school, at home, in the playground, in their jobs - at any age and at any stage in life. Teaching children how to deal with criticism is very important. So tell them to:
Postpone reaction: Don't have kneejerk reactions to criticism. You don't have to defend yourself, or set the record straight, and get into an argument. If you think the criticism is fair, then thank the person for his comments. If you think it is unjustified, baseless, simply end the conversation by saying 'I don't fully agree with you, but I'll think about it.' That way you've taken the sting out of the criticism, put the other person in his place and told him that you will not let his criticism affect your sense of self-worth.
Be objective about it: Focus on what is being said - examine it for accuracy and merit. Don't let emotions blur your objectivity. Analyse the criticism for its worth, improve in areas that you think you need to, and move on.
Don't take it personally, especially if it's crushing criticism. People often criticise because it gives them a sense of superiority and self-worth. Never let one person's criticism bog you down - don't ever give anyone such power over your life.
Use it to your advantage: Accept that there will be some truth in the criticism. Don't develop an attitude of summarily dismissing all criticism. If you have doubts about the merit of the criticism, check with people who understand your strengths and weaknesses and love you enough to tell you the truth.
Shaping the wonder years
Childhood is a time when the spirit is free, the mind uncluttered, and the heart rules the head. Most children grow up with parents who are anxious about their future in what they see as an increasingly competitive, ruthless world. The criticism starts early, usually driven by the anxieties of parents, and seeps into the psyche of the child...We spoke to a young college student (who did not want to be identified), who grew up with strict, critical parents who were very disapproving of what he loved the most: football. His parents thought little of his talent and his interest in the game. 'My father was very critical and totally dismissive of football. He didn't see any future in it, even though I did.' His mother was more tuned into him as a child and encouraging of what he loved to do, 'even though she was very strict about my studies - I could play only after I had finished studying for the day'. But the constant "pulling back" by his father ultimately won and changed the course of his life. Today, he is pursuing History Honours in college, part of the mainstream that is expected to get into a "regular" job and lead a "regular" life, although, 'left to myself, I would be a footballer'.
It is a telling example of how criticism can slowly kill dreams, snuff out ambition and what is worse, make children scared to even openly share their experiences without fearing unpleasant repercussions at home. Unlike the football-lover, Delhi-based Sangeeta Aggarwal, 30, grew up with liberal, encouraging parents who gave her a lot of freedom and respect. 'I was not driven by my parents into choices I didn't want to make - it was a healthy exchange of ideas and they respected my views. This is not to say that they did not guide me, but I never felt they were critical of my choices or forcing their views on me.' After college Sangeeta went on to do an MBA and started working. Her parents never had a "definite framework" for her life, so Sangeeta never felt coerced into falling in line with pre-set expectations. Looking back, she is happy with the way her life has turned out, and feels 'confident about moving ahead in life according to my wishes and decisions', especially when she sees others who were forced into choices they didn't want to make by overly critical parents.